Turning on Your Desire

When I was a sophomore in High School (1996) I went through an American right-of-passage. That was the year I turned 16, and as one of the older members of my class, I was very excited to drive my friends around in my new car. Well, it was new to me, anyway. It was a 1984 Toyota Starlet. Once you click on that link and see this car of wonders (we had the “60 Series”), you will want one right away. It’s pretty much a babe magnet. But, alas, the Starlet was so popular that Toyota couldn’t keep up with consumer demand, so they had to discontinue production in 1999.

We had the car in our family for 5 years before it became mine. I waited in anticipation for my 16th birthday, when I knew Toyota’s version of the Rolls Royce would be given to me. Its beauty only intensified when my older brother took it out for a joy ride. Oops! After the accident, mom decided we had to hold onto this magnificent car, so she went looking to replace the right fender. The only fender she could find was yellow. The car was white. (Chicks dig multi-colored cars, btw.) So, on my 16th birthday, I took my new car out for a joy ride. As I left, my mom reminded me to take corners very slowly, otherwise the battery would fall out of its holder. (I kid you not. That battery fell multiple times, hanging on by two slim chords.)

The Starlet soon acquired the very affectionate name “The Pooptie.”

C’mon. I know you want a Pooptie too. Just hearing the description turns you on.

Wait. Can a car really “turn you on?” That’s what Cadillac promises women in this recent commercial. As the commercial suggests, who really cares about a 40 gig hard drive, a sun roof, and pop-up-nav-screens? No, the real question is “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?” Does your car get you noticed by the “boy’s club?” You should want a Cadillac CTS, because then the boys will like you. Oh. For the boys to like you, it will cost somewhere between $38,880 and $59,025.

On the other hand, I’ve got a Pooptie I can sell you.